It is natural that a person would be afraid of committing if they have been greatly distressed or abused (emotionally or physically, but isn't physical abuse emotionally damaging, anyway? So it's an emotional abuse in and of itself), but when there is no history of being abused, where does this "love phobia" originate?
Assuming there is not some memory of damage, as described above, that is being suppressed, then I would suggest that a fear of commitment can stem from an overwhelming desire to find true love. This desire may be conscious (as with me) or subconscious, and can cause a person to become deathly afraid of making a bad long-term decision by staying with any one person for a lengthy amount of time.
A Catch-22 if you ask me, because in effect what happens is that a person will be romantically involved with someone for only as long as it takes for them to begin recognizing feelings of love. Then suddenly, and sometimes unpredictably, they will push away because they (maybe irrationally) will question their feelings or the intentions of the other person, and become afraid that they are falling for the wrong person. In an effort to prevent being hurt down the road, they abandon the affection that they may have been entertaining for several months.
So how does one get out of the cycle of falling in love and running away? If they cannot find a resolution, they may very well find themselves living out what is ultimately their biggest fear: spending a large portion of their adult life alone. No bueno.
Then there are other potential causes for having "love phobia", such as fearing that prolonged romance will interfere with ones professional life, professional aspirations, religious beliefs, or familial relationships. But these are all pretty easily recognized, and so I am not going to discuss them here.
Please leave your thoughts on the subject!
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2 comments:
Yay! Good topic :) As this fully bewilders most women...I've read, I believe in the book Wild at Heart that a man's greatest fear is the fear of failing or translated the fear of being rejected. If he fails at not receiving love in return, he'll be hurt emotionally and it will definitely leave him leery of the next dating experience. But as you say here...dating someone, then being very afraid that you're with the wrong person; well that could be a very viable fear too! Somehow, we women don't tend to do this...once our heart and emotions are involved, we're less worried about those issues, and we'll usually ride it out until it's blatantly obvious that we're with the wrong person!
How do you think that a person can overcome commitment issues?
From my experience...I'd say it's about trusting your gut and also trusting God on this. I personally believe that there not a "the one" out there, but perhaps a good few that I would be very happy with and that would enrich my life. While single, I do the best I can to be what God would call a "good woman" and then I'm trusting that he'll bring me the right person at just the right time. In this way, I trust God to bring me the right one, and bless my time with that one, even if it's not a person I'll be with the rest of my life. And equally, I trust my gut and instinct to read whether or not this other person matches the qualities I want in a relationship.
What do you think?
The one...that's a heavy order, but I think Emily is right in that women look at dating differently from how Daniel introduced it. From my experience, whenever I have started to have feelings for a person, I saw only that person. When it didn't work out, I was hurt, but I knew that God had better plans for me. It's hard and complicated, but simple all at the same time. It's simple in the sense that I know that God will bring me to that right man and I hope to be with him for the rest of my life, but what is complicated is our emotions. My problem has never been in finding a Godly man that I could love, but in finding one that would return my feelings. I would never think of pushing someone away simply because I feared that I was falling for the wrong guy. I do believe in true love, but that love is led by Christ. so long as the couple is one with Him in their relationship, there is nothing to fear. Things can happen to change relationships and sometimes God calls people not to be together even when there doesn't seem to be any reason why they should not be. But if you have a burning heart for Christ, you'll know when it is Him changing situations and when it is you. If you try to change things on your own, you're not trusting God and you're letting fear get the better of you. Through Christ I am trying to live fearlessly, so I see it in just about everything. In a way, I'm not really qualified to speak in further detail on this because I have never been in love. But I do know the God of love and personally, I would want a man who did not consider me his true love. Give me a man who considered God his beloved, and he would have the second place in my heart as well.
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