Seasonal Friends - A Final Note

Again my friend Hayley has brought some incredible insight to the discussion, and I had a small revelation in my car on the way home yesterday. So I wanted to share it here.

1. Hayley made an outstanding point when she said "...if you don't share with people that they are important to you, they will assume that they are not." Whoa! I was blind to this Catch-22 until I read this statement. The whole reason that seasonal friends become seasonal is probably because you never affirmed them as being special to you in the first place!
2. Luke 6:31 is the Biblical foundation of what has been donned the "Golden Rule" of American society: "Do to others as you would have them do to you." [ read this in context ] Whoa again!
3. So you see? What happens is that a person who gets stuck with 5-6 groups of seasonal friends often becomes a seasonal friend his/herself. When they get stuck in "the cycle" that I discussed in my previous entry, it's time to view the situation objectively, and ensure that that their own behavior is saying "hey, I really value our friendship" if that is the sentiment they wish to receive, as well.

I would say be careful not to lay it on to thick, though (foreshadowing an upcoming blog entry)

Don't limit yourself to being a party-planner: make sure that your friends (the ones you want to keep for life) know how much they mean to you. Encourage them and let them know that they are special to you, and it shouldn't be long before the sentiment is returned.

Gee, who knew that scripture could be so simple, yet so profound? Pretty neat stuff. Maybe you didn't realize that the Golden Rule is biblically-founded. Now you know.

This is all I'm going to say about seasonal friends for awhile.

How Friends Become Seasonal

Alright, so in my last post I hopefully communicated what it means to be a seasonal friend and how being such is not the fault of any single individual, nor does it imply a negative sentiment in any way. Everyone has different "seasons" in their life, referring to the various organizations and group activities in which they participate, and so to be seasonal friends simply means that outside of such affiliations, two people infrequently interact with one another. 

Well unfortunately, people with certain personality traits can become locked in a nightmarish cycle of always meeting new people and never developing relationships with them, resulting in an excessive number of "seasonal friends" with whom there is only limited interation.

So why does this happen? What causes a person to be unable to identify his or her closest friends when they seemingly have so many? Well I'm about to tell you...

We've all heard the story of the popular super-hottie in high school that goes stag to the prom. Even though every guy in school wants to take this one girl, they all assume that she already has a date therefore no one actually asks her.

In the same way, I have observed what my friend Hayley alluded to when she commented on my blog entry from last October, which is that people with highly extroverted personalities often are perceived by others as having so many friends and being so popular that "there is no way they don't already have plans this weekend." "They surely have a big party to go to already." "I'd ask them to come over, but they have better friends to hang out with."

When the truth of the matter is that they have no party. No plans. No one inviting them to tag along. Like the popular super-hottie girl, they get overlooked. The misperception that they have many close friends results in having no close friends.

So they end up with excessive amounts of seasonal friends. Not on purpose, but it just happens. They start realizing that if they want to go hang out with friends, they have to plan their own social events. So they take over the hosting duties, but attendance lacks because they do not share a strong enough connection with any group of people, and most of the invitees will make other plans.

The party planner is likely to eventually become frustrated with their social situation, which they still cannot identify with words. They start feeling like all of the effort that they are putting into maintaining friendships is going unnoticed and unrequited. In severe cases, the person becomes depressed or angry, has no one to confide in (Catch-22), and will stop trying to develop relationships altogether.

So they continue as they always have, just because they still have that same outgoing personality. They are the life of the party, but they go alone. Everyone enjoys their company but no one asks for it. They try to reach out occasionally but are quickly discouraged by responses "no thanks" or "not this time."

Man, that's gotta be tough. I'm a little depressed just from writing about it. My advice to people that don't want to be a seasonal friend? Try to identify the people that you've always assumed are too busy to hang out with you and your possé. Invite them to stuff. I'll bet they come. Maybe not to the first one, but they will come if you are persistent.

For my fellow party-planners, if I discover any strategies for breaking out of the cycle, I will post them.

Seasonal Friends

Props to Hayley for reminding me that I need to follow up my previous post:

[ Small Group Community ]

If someone called you a "seasonal friend," would you be offended? What would that mean to you? 

I have approximately 800 or so seasonal friends. You're probably one of them. But before you get all excited and defensive, answer these questions to yourself:

• When was the last time we hung out 1-on-1 or in a small group of 3-6 people with no purpose aside from just hanging out?
  
• Do you have my cell number stored in your phone? Do I have yours? Scroll through your call logs and find the last time we spoke.
  
• When was the last time you even saw me? Did we speak? For how long?
  
• The last time that we did speak, did the conversation end on something like "let's get together" or "just call me"?

Seasonal friend: A close acquaintance with whom an individual only engages during large group events or formally organized activities.

e.g. Redcoat Band friends, Wesley Foundation friends, BCM friends, intramural teammates, Athens Church small group, Chick-fil-A co-workers, OYP kids.

I am involved in a lot of stuff, and because of it I have developed relationships with a crazy number of people. But outside of our mutual extracurriculars, I don't really hang out with anyone. There is not one person with whom I regularly go out for drinks or games or social activities of any kind. For Redcoats, it's football season; for BCM, it's dinner theatre season; for Athens Church, it's Sundays; for Wesley, it's Wednesdays, but outside of these "seasons," I rarely ever see these people.

By now you should be understanding where I'm coming from when I refer to "seasonal friends," and realize that isn't at all a bad thing. It's just an unfortunate circumstance that accompanies certain lifestyles blending with specific personalities. Maybe you experience something similar. Don't blame yourself or your possé, for there is no conscious behavior that can lead to this social phenomenon.

Referencing my previous post entitled [ Small Group Community ], some people become "social drifters." They constantly meet tons of new people through various activities, clubs, and events, to the point that they become trapped; they end up with hordes of friends, but never slow down enough to develop meaningful relationships. Even my small group, though I love all the guys and feel very close to each one, fails the test of spending time together outside of our alotted weekly meeting.

So while I am grateful to be blessed with so many friends, it would be even greater to actually have plans on the weekend and lunch dates during the week. Strengthening one another and developing relationships that are deeper and more intimate. Encouraging, advising, being encouraged and being advised. Sitting down and discussing all things instead of simply greeting and departing.

I love the seasons. They just don't last long enough.

Upcoming Topic:

How Friends Become Seasonal

Commitment Issues - A Love Phobia

Where do you think commitment issues come from?

It is natural that a person would be afraid of committing if they have been greatly distressed or abused (emotionally or physically, but isn't physical abuse emotionally damaging, anyway? So it's an emotional abuse in and of itself), but when there is no history of being abused, where does this "love phobia" originate?

Assuming there is not some memory of damage, as described above, that is being suppressed, then I would suggest that a fear of commitment can stem from an overwhelming desire to find true love. This desire may be conscious (as with me) or subconscious, and can cause a person to become deathly afraid of making a bad long-term decision by staying with any one person for a lengthy amount of time.

A Catch-22 if you ask me, because in effect what happens is that a person will be romantically involved with someone for only as long as it takes for them to begin recognizing feelings of love. Then suddenly, and sometimes unpredictably, they will push away because they (maybe irrationally) will question their feelings or the intentions of the other person, and become afraid that they are falling for the wrong person. In an effort to prevent being hurt down the road, they abandon the affection that they may have been entertaining for several months.

So how does one get out of the cycle of falling in love and running away? If they cannot find a resolution, they may very well find themselves living out what is ultimately their biggest fear: spending a large portion of their adult life alone. No bueno.

Then there are other potential causes for having "love phobia", such as fearing that prolonged romance will interfere with ones professional life, professional aspirations, religious beliefs, or familial relationships. But these are all pretty easily recognized, and so I am not going to discuss them here.

Please leave your thoughts on the subject!