Alright, so in my last post I hopefully communicated what it means to be a seasonal friend and how being such is not the fault of any single individual, nor does it imply a negative sentiment in any way. Everyone has different "seasons" in their life, referring to the various organizations and group activities in which they participate, and so to be seasonal friends simply means that outside of such affiliations, two people infrequently interact with one another.
Well unfortunately, people with certain personality traits can become locked in a nightmarish cycle of always meeting new people and never developing relationships with them, resulting in an excessive number of "seasonal friends" with whom there is only limited interation.
So why does this happen? What causes a person to be unable to identify his or her closest friends when they seemingly have so many? Well I'm about to tell you...
We've all heard the story of the popular super-hottie in high school that goes stag to the prom. Even though every guy in school wants to take this one girl, they all assume that she already has a date therefore no one actually asks her.
In the same way, I have observed what my friend Hayley alluded to when she commented on my blog entry from last October, which is that people with highly extroverted personalities often are perceived by others as having so many friends and being so popular that "there is no way they don't already have plans this weekend." "They surely have a big party to go to already." "I'd ask them to come over, but they have better friends to hang out with."
When the truth of the matter is that they have no party. No plans. No one inviting them to tag along. Like the popular super-hottie girl, they get overlooked. The misperception that they have many close friends results in having no close friends.
So they end up with excessive amounts of seasonal friends. Not on purpose, but it just happens. They start realizing that if they want to go hang out with friends, they have to plan their own social events. So they take over the hosting duties, but attendance lacks because they do not share a strong enough connection with any group of people, and most of the invitees will make other plans.
The party planner is likely to eventually become frustrated with their social situation, which they still cannot identify with words. They start feeling like all of the effort that they are putting into maintaining friendships is going unnoticed and unrequited. In severe cases, the person becomes depressed or angry, has no one to confide in (Catch-22), and will stop trying to develop relationships altogether.
So they continue as they always have, just because they still have that same outgoing personality. They are the life of the party, but they go alone. Everyone enjoys their company but no one asks for it. They try to reach out occasionally but are quickly discouraged by responses "no thanks" or "not this time."
Man, that's gotta be tough. I'm a little depressed just from writing about it. My advice to people that don't want to be a seasonal friend? Try to identify the people that you've always assumed are too busy to hang out with you and your possé. Invite them to stuff. I'll bet they come. Maybe not to the first one, but they will come if you are persistent.
For my fellow party-planners, if I discover any strategies for breaking out of the cycle, I will post them.
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1 comment:
Hi. Me again - thanks for keeping this topic going!
I've found so much of what you say to be true in my own life, and it's even harder now that I've moved away from Athens (where I was involved in so many things) and gotten older (so all of my friends seem to have their own relationships/activities/etc. to occupy their time).
What I think the BEST thing someone such as yourself can do is to make your "seasonal" friends realize that you want them to be more. Not in some emotionally-charged, sappy mountaintop conversation, but in every day life. Call them. Tell them they're important to you. Tell them that doing xy and z would not be the same without them, or that you'd really love to spend time with them outside of the activity.
You and I had a season: a living in Aspen going to BCM season... which is how I can see so clearly that you are the hottie at the prom (which makes me laugh this late at night). It's how I also know that if you don't share with people that they are important to you, they will assume that you are not. Just like they will assume you have better plans than to be with them, they will also assume you have better friends whom you prefer over them.
Lastly, something that can make seasonal friends stay that way could be the fact that even when people DO invite you to do things, you probably already have rehearsal/Bible study/church/class/etc...so you have to constantly say you're busy ("you" being everyone who participates in so much stuff, not you personally because I don't know if that's true for you). I just know that people will stop mentioning activities to you if you're already always preoccupied. The good thing is, once you've realized they stopped asking you can ask them to hang out when you DO have time!
I think the best way to convert your seasonal friends to becoming lifelong friends is to take the time to BE a friend to them. If you aren't calling them, appreciating them, or making them feel like they are a necessary part of your life...then they won't know that you value their friendship and the hottie will be perpetually dateless. Thoughts?
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