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Undeserved Inspiration

I just had an interesting revelation as I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep. I had to write it down (or type it out, rather) because I'm certain I wouldn't have remembered it by morning.

You know that paranoia that people face in the early stages of attraction to another person? It's the feeling that you're not good enough for them, like they're out of your league. You get a little afraid that they are going to overlook you, and that if you don't do better [at life], you will lose them. It's a "pedestal conviction," so to speak. I hypothesize that this is actually a very very good indication that one's feelings for that person are virtuous.

When two people see each other for awhile, it's rather common that one person will have feelings of inferior worth. Like your other half is better than you, that you don't deserve them. Good. I mean bad, but if you receive these feelings in a healthy manner, it is actually quite good.

It is a virtue. A sort of tangent on a very overlooked biblical command for relationships, which is to build each other up; to inspire one another. Your partner should make you want to be a better person. They should raise the bar for your personal life. They should inspire you to live better. If you don't feel motivated to be better for your partner's sake, then either they're no good for you, you're drowning in your own self-satisfaction.

For we Christians, the latter is just the kind of pompous arrogance that should warn us to reevaluate our own selfish ambitions. Humility is a very undervalued personality trait in today's society. I am guilty of not having enough of it, I can tell you that with certainty. But now I'm getting off topic, so it's time to say goodnight.

15 Months & Counting...

Yes, my blog entries may be a little fewer and farther between now than they were eight months ago, but ya know what? I'm darn proud of myself for having kept up with this blog now for 15 consecutive months. It's been a wonderful release at times when I've needed it the most, and I look forward to the next 15 months forthcoming.

That being said... do any creative people out there want to help me redesign my blog for 2010? When I branded it with this gosh awful blueish-green theme earlier this year, I did so with the intentions that my website would soon follow suit. Well... I abandoned the website redesign and never revisited my blog. I'd love to have something a little more... masculine? Or at least interesting... If you or someone you know would like to collaborate with me and work towards this goal, I welcome the graphic insight assistance and would graciously pass along the credit of how awesome everything [will] look.

A Familiar Paradox

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and to be loved in return."

That's one of my most favorite quotes because I believe it to be wholly and completely true. The scenario it presents is two-fold: (1) to love someone, and (2) to be loved by that person. When both of these occur simultaneously, the result is "the greatest thing" ever. That's why God gave Eve to Adam.

But... if either of these two halves occurs without the other, it can have a directly opposite effect: utterly helpless grief. That's my paradox. That's my fear. That's my paranoia.

I met this girl recently. All you need to know is that she is terrific. She dances, she sings, and she acts. She loves Jesus, she's got a heart of gold, and she's even on Twitter. And she's beautiful! Her eyes are blue like the sky on a sunny day (I think... we haven't really had many sunny days recently). And as far as I can tell, we're hitting things off. "As far as I can tell" - can you really ever tell what a woman is thinking? But we have all kinds of things in common and we enjoy a lot of fun together whether it's alone or with a group of mutual friends. And she's kind of a Facebook stalker, which I think is awesome.

So sets in the paranoia. Naturally you want to know if someone views you in the same light as you view them. I like this girl, and so it has become a balancing act. Coming on too strong will chase her off. Not coming on at all puts a guy in "the friend zone" which is completely no bueno when you like someone. So I'm paranoid that by thinking about it too much, I'm gonna screw up somehow. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that nonsense.

Quite frankly I'm scared of confronting her with a "DTR" because to do so would admit feelings and initiate the first half of the above equation. What if she isn't feeling the attraction that I am? That would suck. But I guess it's better to find out sooner than later, right? I feel like I've offered enough advice in my day that could be directly applied to the current state of my personal affairs but for some reason, it's only easy to advise on one's circumstances when you don't have a personal stake in them. I wish I had a archive of all the advice I'd ever given people. Then I could go back and read it all again as if someone was giving it to me for the 741st time.

I haven't spoken of this girl to anyone, so if you think you know who it is... you probably don't. Usually when I confide in someone about a girl, it never works out. That's a cycle I'd like to see ended.

One's Own Advice

Often in real life and occasionally on my blog, I like to play the role of a generously blunt, honest, third-party onlooker when it comes to my friends and their relationships with other people, romantic or otherwise.

So why is it that when I find myself in a circumstance similar to the ones I hear most often about, I quite certainly will unconsciously overlook the very same advice that I have dealt to others in the past.

Such is the case now. Having acknowledged the situation, hopefully I will recognize it better in the days/weeks/months ahead. However, if anyone reads this and feels so burdened as to offer some of my own advice back to me, it may serve a very noble purpose.

If you do not wish to know what my circumstance is, you are excused from reading further.

OK so...

I met this girl, whose name will remain hidden except from the 2-3 of you that already know it. When I first saw her, I did not think anything more about her than what goes through my head every time I come across a girl in Athens. "She's breathtaking. Too bad she probably sucks as a person."

Well as it turns out, I was kind of forced into talking to her (long story) only to find out that she's actually a sweetheart, quite bright, terribly cunning, and still utterly breathtaking. She has one trait, however, that I have never found in a girl. The only one I can think of that came close stole my heart away and trampled it to the ground in Colorado. This girl is complex. I don't mean your moody, unpredictable, creative, talented complex, I mean complex like "this is the reason I have a blog" complex. She over-analyzes everything in life and how it's going to affect her future, just like I do. She connects to the minds of people around her and tries to decipher them.

"What are they thinking? How did they feel about that?" "How do they feel about me?" "Did they understand what just happened?" "Do they understand what I just said?" "Of course they said they understood, but do they really understand?"

This girl has the same indescribable complexity that so often drives me to insanity because I feel like no one ever sees the world the way I do.

Before I start rambling I'd better get to my point. All you need to know is that this girl has a spark. I've recognized the spark, but a spark isn't something you can just grab and run with. You'll blow it out by running too fast. It must be handled delicately, precariously.

She has a boyfriend. She's confided some things to me about the relationship that lead me to believe that she's unhappy being in it. Maybe she feels trapped or is afraid of being single (I believe the latter, though she said she wasn't when I asked... typical response), but for whatever reason, she is still relationed with said boyfriend.

Ugh... I hate that word. Boyfriend.

We get along terrifically, though for reasons that I cannot explain here, we literally almost never spend any time together in a social environment. Only two-and-a-half times so far, and I've known her for... let's see... since August 28 makes it... almost 7 weeks to the day since I spoke to her for the first time. The first social outing was legitimate. Dinner at Chick-fil-A (LOVE me some Chick-fil-A!). The second was when I helped her move out of her old place and into a new one (her bf showed up, bleh), and the half-a-time was when I was downtown one night and she dropped by the bar we were in to say hello. Then she was gone again.

So... I want to spend some time with her, but I can't keep asking her to do stuff while she has a boyfriend, no matter how lousy the guy may be for her. And I can't woo a girl with my wit when we don't spend any time together. And then there's some politics I won't go into here.

My conviction is that I need to convince myself that she is just another treacherously attractive, shallow, arrogant, alcoholic female from suburban Atlanta with a mouth like a sailor. Then I can cross her off the list and go back to being miserably single again. That's all I really want. That's my comfort zone.

Epitome of Suck

As could be defined by a less-sleazy edition of Urban Dictionary:

Suck: The state of being unsatisfied with one's present circumstance. i.e. Being highly attracted to a girl who, at worst, wants to be friends or, at best, is attracted back but unconscious of such due to a dying relationship to which she remains loyal.

Romantic Comedies

I need to stop watching romantic comedies. They start out so good, and by the end I'm just thinking to myself how unrealistic it all is.

However, this one I just watched has motivated me, so I'm blogging about it before I go to sleep and wake up feeling normal again.

It motivated me. I had more to say on the issue, but upon writing the first two sentences here, someone IM'd me on Facebook and has distracted me long enough that I've lost the motivation to write about it. Sorry!